TOP FIVE WORST REMAKES

5. Dark Water

An Americanized version of Hideo Nakata's Japanese fable, Dark Water is yet another westernized Japanese horror film with another exceptional cast. Like most Japanese "imports" in the genre, Dark Water tries to nail psychological trickery, despite the tendency for many from this 'J-wave' to come up short (outside of The Ring, that is). The problem is never in the acting, directing, editing, or any single frame of film; rather, it's the story itself that ultimately dooms the movie. That said, as far as performances go Dark Water offers some fine ones, especially by Jennifer Connelly and John C. Reilly.

But Walter Salles directs the actors in such a way that he single-handedly milks every scene of its possible suspense, ensuring endless shrieks from teenage girls. The grim images are carefully planted to take the weak screenplay far, and his vision works wonders with the plot outline given; it's just a shame that the center is sour rather than sweet. Salles does a brilliant job cutting the corners to gain a little terror at the expense of the unknown, or the soon-to-be. But he's no Kubrick, and our romp through the terrifying apartment building's past is too apparent to help the director's vague approach of spooking the viewer.

Some of the best acting of 2005? Yes. Some of the best directing of 2005? You've got it. It's just a shame that such great work is ruined on nothingness.

This movie really did suck

4. The Grudge

Remake of Ju-On, the Japanese chiller directed by Takashi Shimizu, who also helmed this remake (and pretty much every other iteration of The Grudge). The plot is the same as the earlier film: when someone dies in the grip of a powerful rage, a curse is born. Sarah Michelle Gellar plays Karen, a fish-out-of-water exchange student doing volunteer work in Japan. When she's sent to a local house, she discovers that an elderly woman has been left alone and is nearly catatonic. She also discovers a young boy sealed into the closet. This discovery sets the curse in motion anew, and from this point forward only bad things can happen for Karen.

The supporting cast includes Jason Behr, Kadee Strickland, Bill Pullman, Clea Duvall and William Mapother. With Shimizu onboard (as well as the original actors who played Toshio and Kayako), The Grudge alternates between being a shot-for-shot remake of the earlier film and a reinterpretation of it at the same time. Some sequences are lifted wholesale, right down to the camera movements, while other key events are eliminated entirely.

This movie is just plain poor. Where to start... Okay, let's start with the film's non-existent scares. After all, this is a horror movie, right? Or so I thought. In The Grudge, scares mostly consist of creepy music with sudden loud sounds or someone popping out. Original, right? Whenever "The Grudge" is near, there is a sound that is similar to a frog croaking. Then look out, because there are a few creepy characters lurking behind doors, underwater, in the shower and in closets: There's a big black hair monster that hovers in the air, there's a little green girl with dark eyes that get wide when she's supposed to be spooky, there's fingers popping out of hair and then there's that little boy, who sometimes looks a little green, but either way he mostly just stares forward and says nothing.

3. The Eye

Based on the creepy little Chinese film Gin gwai, an atmospheric spine-tingler that, we're sad to say, is considerably more frightening than this tame 2008 effort. Jessica Alba plays Sydney Wells, a blind violinist who must rediscover the world after she undergoes an operation to restore her eyesight. Her sister Helen (Parker Posey) wants to keep her company, but Sydney is determined to recover on her own. But when she starts experiencing frightening visions of screaming creatures leading friends and acquaintances to their deaths, she turns to Dr. Paul Faulkner (Alessandro Nivola) for help. Eventually, Sydney discovers that she has somehow gained the ability to see the past, present, and a possible future, and must now process that information in the hopes of saving lives -- potentially including her own -- from a mysterious and deadly event.

The Eye is emblematic of the sorry state of modern horror because its so-called success relies primarily if not exclusively on the stupidity and willful ignorance of its characters, and by extension, its audience. Sydney, for example, has spent the majority of her life blind, but she refuses help from her sister. This is understandable at first, but after just one creepy vision, wouldn't any thinking person be reaching for the speed dial, if only for emotional comfort? Helen, meanwhile, professes how guilty she feels for blinding Sydney in the first place, but is all but unreachable for the remainder of the film -- so much so that when Sydney does finally call, Helen has gone out of town without telling her. And finally, Paul probably qualifies as the most impatient and unsympathetic therapist in the history of movie doctors, being mean and generally indifferent to Sydney's increasingly disturbing visions before finally accusing her of imagining them in order to put off her rehabilitation and reintroduction into society.

There's just nothing new, remotely original or even really scary about The Eye. It feels like the film wants to explore her situation as if she's coming to terms with a new superpower rather than enduring a series of terrifying visions. Alba is a passable lead actress and she does her best to project the fear and frustration of her newfound condition, but ultimately it isn't she who is subjected to a painful experience, but us. Because The Eye may once have been a great horror movie in its native language, in Hollywood's hands, it's little more than a joke -- whether the filmmakers mean for it to be or not. So if you want to watch Asian-inspired horror films, go rent or buy the originals; but keep your eyes closed to this turkey -- unless you enjoy being blinded by boredom.

2. One Missed Call

Despite its ripe opportunity to deconstruct our continuing obsession with technology and 24-hour-seven-days-a-week "connectivity," One Missed Call falls firmly into the thrill ride camp -- or at least it would if it were remotely thrilling. A remake of the Japanese horror film Chakushin Ari, the film follows a group of college students who die mysterious deaths after appearing to receive voicemails from their future selves. Shannyn Sossamon plays Beth Raymond, the lonely coed who races to uncover the secret of these strange cell phone calls. Edward Burns is Jack Andrews, the cop Beth enlists to help her stop the cycle of death before it strikes again.

Despite its arrival on the tail end of Hollywood's obsession with Asian horror -- suggesting commercial more than creative motivation -- One Missed Call seems at least superficially poised to comment upon our dependence on cell phones, blackberries and other means of around-the-clock communication. Technological paranoia notwithstanding, however, one might hope at the very least for some kind of creepy meditation on mortality transmitted from the future. After all, there is something fairly fascinating (in concept at least) about hearing the exact moment of your own death. Not to mention the decidedly less philosophical but equally compelling mystery that could be spun just from the idea of two or three people trying to avoid dying after receiving their calls.

Sadly, even with three obvious and relevant ideas available, screenwriter Andrew Klavan (Don't Say a Word) and director Eric Valette (Malefique) opt for none of them. Instead, they craft a generic and unscary monster movie that telegraphs every suspenseful moment, clarifies every minute twist or turn with dull, expository dialogue, and yet never explains why these poor bastards get the messages. The evil force responsible for these calls, whose identity I will not reveal, has nothing to do with cell phones at all, much less the victims in the film, which begs the questions how and especially why it chose to sign up for an unlimited nights and weekends plan in order to exact its fiendish designs upon a bunch of dim-witted college kids.

By far the WORST movie I've seen all year

1. Godzilla

In 1998, Roland Emmerich created a monster. The filmmaker behind Independence Day set his sights on the legendary Japanese behemoth, and purists were in an uproar. People were all riled up at the new CGI version of the creature and longed for the old rubber suit days. Does it have a big, nasty, radioactive lizard that pulverizes New York and munches tanks without impunity? Oooo yeah. However, the drawback of this film was undoubtedly the humans (as played by leads Matthew Broderick, Hank Azaria, and Maria Pitillo).

The humans in this film were awful. They spent way too much time on the whole reporter side of it, and relationship nonsense about these characters we don't feel anything for; people just wanted to see some down-home building crushin'. That and the constant dreary rain and dark atmosphere. This is Godzilla, not Blade Runner! Two big highlights, though were the creature chase scenes on land and sea, and Jean Reno. Let's face it: Jean Reno makes everything he touches much cooler.

The story is a modernization of the classic. Recent nuclear testing in the French Polynesian islands has caused the transmutation of a species of lizard into a giant fire-breathing amphibious monster. It raids several local villages (villagers seem to recognize the "new species" and have a name for him?) and heads for Manhattan, the only place in the world it could hide in the huge buildings and be near the water. It's up to the military, one scientist, and French commandos (Leon "The Professional" now works for the government of France) to save New York by capturing or destroying Godzilla in a rumble to the finish.

I actually loved this movie as a kid...then I grew up

TOP FIVE BEST REMAKES

5. Shall We Dance

Hollywood's 2004 remake of the Japanese film Shall We Dance? provides a textbook example of how something can remain faithful to its source material in a literal sense and still gut the original core. For those that never saw the original art house import, the story as re-imagined by Peter Chelsom is a bittersweet little tale about a man (Richard Gere) who rekindles the lost romance in his heart via ballroom dancing. As with any Westernized interpretation of a foreign film, undoubtedly a sizeable chunk of the original's subtlety and quaintness gets lost in translation. But let's face it, the average Cineplex patron is much more apt to gravitate toward a film starring Jennifer Lopez than one with subtitles, hence Hollywood's continued drive and desire to snatch up the rights and continually remake small, arty films from abroad.

Interestingly enough, the Yankee remake is pretty decent, thanks in part to the presence of Gere and a great supporting cast that includes Susan Sarandon, Stanley Tucci, Lisa Ann Walter, Anita Gillette, and Richard Jenkins. And what of J-Lo? Um, we'll get to that in a second. At the heart of the film is the lost (at least in today's ultra modern, fast paced world) art of ballroom dancing. Our "hero," John Clark (Gere) is a loyal husband and hard working accountant in Chicago. But as he shuffles to and from work everyday on the L Train he slowly begins to realize that something is missing from his life.

Thankfully, one fateful night he glances out the window and notices the forlorn Paulina (Lopez) staring out of the window of a rundown downtown dance studio. As can be expected, Clark quickly builds up the gumption to visit the studio and eventually signs up for a beginning course in dance. Naturally his initial desire is to meet the elusive Paulina, but along the way he learns more about himself and begins to truly enjoy the art of dance. To this end, the film is not only about taking the time to stop and smell the roses, but also to keep challenging yourself so that the romantic flames will always be well-kindled and the home fires will continually burn.

4. The Ring

This Gore Verbinski-directed thriller is a remake of the Japanese horror hit Ringu. The basic story element is an evil videotape that kills its viewer seven days after watching it. Naomi Watts plays Rachel Kelly, a reporter who starts to look into the deaths of four teenagers that died after viewing the tape. Naturally, we need some sort of peril in a horror movie, so Rachel goes and watches the tape and the clock starts to tick down.

Now, if you don't pay absolute attention to the movie, you'll miss things that will appear to be plot holes; but all of it is there. That means that it will require a second viewing for many people, and the problem there is that the flick isn't quite as scary the second time around. It still has the creepy atmosphere, but the scares lack the "energy" form their first viewing.

Using long still shots to build up the tension and just quick enough cuts to make you jump, the US remake of The Ring puts in the scares that the original lacked. Adding to that is the films' atmosphere and look, which basically takes that eerie green hue of The Matrix and saturates the screen with it for the entire length of the film. The cinematography of the film itself gets under your skin, and Verbinski's careful direction just helps things even more. The Ring is a great remake of a cult horror flick, that happens to come from a major Hollywood studio while not falling into the same, annoying, plot devices that other recent horror films did. It's also scarier than Mike Tyson when he's off his meds.

This movie was flawless back in 8th grade

3. A Fistfull of Dollars

This Sergio Leone-directed spaghetti western classic not only helped launched Clint Eastwood into big screen stardom, it's also a remake of Akira Kurosawa's samurai classic Yojimbo. Though you can't tell it by watching the film, A Fistful Of Dollars was a troubled, low-budget production that almost didn't happen. After actors as diverse as Henry Fonda, Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin passed on playing the main character, Leone settled on Clint Eastwood, then best known as a TV star but yet-unproven as a film actor. The febrile chemistry between star and director was immediately evident, and translated seamlessly to the screen: as the mysterious stranger who wanders into a town torn between two warring factions, Eastwood became an instant icon thanks to his own laconic performance, not to mention Leone's mythic camerawork.

Fistful completely razed the classical idea of the western, which by the early 1960s occupied audiences' minds as a chronicle of aging Hollywood stardom rather than any particular tradition of storytelling. Almost in inadvertent accordance with the changing tide of American culture, which was beginning to explore darker and more complex themes in different media, the 1964 film took an amoral point of view about its hero and his actions: whereas earlier films offered justification and explanation for their heroes' violent tendencies, Fistful provided none. When the Man With No Name (it was Joe, actually) fires upon his adversaries without provocation, killing them in cold blood, Eastwood and Leone provide no background or context, creating an ambiguity about the character that ultimately fed his mystique across two more films.

The sequel, 1965's For a Few Dollars More, has The Man With No Name teaming with his foe, bounty hunter Col. Douglas Mortimer (Lee Van Cleef), to take down the villainous Indio (Gian Maria Volonte). The final entry in the Leone-Eastwood spaghetti western trilogy, 1966's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, is the most celebrated. The "good" loner (Eastwood), the "bad" bounty hunter (Lee Van Cleef) and the "ugly" bandito (Eli Wallach) are all in pursuit of buried treasure.

2. The Magnificent Seven

Like many films considered classics today, The Magnificent Seven started off as a complete financial and critical failure. The papers dismissed the remake of Akira Kurosawa's The Seven Samurai as a by-the-numbers Western. Laughable advertising and bad pre-release word-of-mouth kept even casual moviegoers from watching it. But when it found tremendous success in Europe and Asia - Kurosawa even sent a ceremonial sword to director John Sturges as approval - MGM took a second look at their magnificent bomb and re-released it in the States, this time with a decent marketing budget. The rest is history.

The theme song, popularized by appropriation for parody and advertising, has become ingrained in American popular culture. Co-stars Steve McQueen and James Coburn were so popular they soon eclipsed big name Yul Brynner. And three sequels and a television series later, The Magnificent Seven has become a part of America's established film canon.

What set The Magnificent Seven apart from other Westerns was its strict adherence and exploration of what came before it. Eli Wallach designed the look of Calvera in order to portray what an evil bandit would do with all the money he stole. Even each of the seven gunslingers represents a different archetype for cowboys that have come before, from Robert Vaughn's dandyish Lee to Steve McQueen's smartass Vin. With television Westerns eclipsing anything in the theaters and the Leone's spaghetti westerns on the Horizon, Sturges directed The Magnificent Seven to be both a great film and a tribute to all the movies that had inspired it.

1.The Departed

Based on the 2002 Hong Kong thriller Infernal Affairs, The Departed stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon as a cop and a crook who infiltrate each other's organizations at the behest of their scenery-chewing superiors. For DiCaprio's Billy Costigan, it's Queenan (Martin Sheen) and Dignam (Mark Wahlberg), a police Captain and Sergeant respectively who want to harness the young man's conflicted impulse to do good; meanwhile, Damon's Colin Sullivan answers to Frank Costello (Jack Nicholson), an 800-lb. gorilla of a mob boss who owns the streets of Boston much to the consternation of the cops.

Before long, the two men are locked in a battle of wills to uncover their counterpart, with the livelihood of their bosses (and ultimately, their own lives) at stake. In the meantime, both men unknowingly become involved with the same woman - a police psychiatrist named Madolyn (Vera Farmiga) - who not only maintains their tenuous connection as cop and crook, but somehow holds the secrets of their equally damaged psyches.

The Departed is nothing short of brilliant -- complicated, ambiguous and ambitious, executed with a virtuosity shared only by a handful of other American filmmakers. Scorsese is and hopefully will always be a great director; so while many will mark this as a return to form or a new apex in his filmography, IGN prefers to think of it as one last hurrah for the kinds of movies he used to make -- a grand finale in his canon of crime movies. In other words, The Departed will hopefully be best remembered not only as a requiem, but a rebirth for the man whose films raised the bar for filmmakers everywhere.

Source: http://movies.ign.com/articles/907/907466p1.html

Yeah, I think she could have been written a little bit different. I've seen the original but don't remember her character either...

Loved the movie though.

Maybe they wanted someone younger? Or someone with less baggage?